John F, Adoptee:
Twice the family, twice the love
Chosen before I was born
I was placed for adoption before I was even born. My birth parents were students. They didn’t have the money, time, or ability to raise a child while putting themselves through school and graduate programs.
Very fortunately, I was adopted by a loving, unique, fun — and yes, sometimes dysfunctional — set of parents in a wealthy area that I called home.
No big reveal
I don’t remember ever being told I was adopted. There was no dramatic, shocking “TV” moment. I have a different skin color than my adoptive parents. I was placed as an open adoption and I had contact with my birth parents from the beginning so adoption wasn’t a secret — it was just part of my life.
I can’t pinpoint when I understood what adoption meant. But whenever I think about it, it brings warm, cozy, homely feelings.
Bowling party with my adoptive family.
Growing up in an open adoption
Early on, there were a multitude of difficulties stemming from legal disputes, naming issues and the challenges of gift-giving. Still, from about age six to fifteen, I had routine contact with them.
But as I got older, things became more complicated. High school, driving, new responsibilities, trying to understand my identity — and watching friends live in what looked like typical American households — made me question where I fit.
My way of coping was distance. I almost shut my birth parents out. Not out of anger, but because managing two family systems felt overwhelming while I was still figuring myself out.
First day of junior year in high school.
Choosing connection again
When I turned eighteen and had a better grasp on who I was, I reconnected.
I grew close to my birth siblings despite age gaps of nine, eleven, and eighteen years. They consider me their brother. We have weekly FaceTime calls. When I’m home from college, we have daily movie nights.
Fitting in, standing out
It was obvious I was adopted. I didn’t look like my adoptive family. But extended family welcomed me openly, and it was rarely a topic of discussion.
As I’ve grown older and deepened relationships with my birth family, integrating has been slow and sometimes difficult. It’s a strange position — walking into rooms where people know so much about you, while you’re still learning about them. But it’s been worth it.
The logistics of love
Today, happy endings have covered bitter beginnings. I’m very fortunate to be closely connected to both sets of parents. Daily calls. Shared milestones.
The biggest challenge? Doubling your family size means doubling everything else — holidays, birthdays, events, obligations — all while trying to live your own everyday life. It’s a hell of a challenge that I have yet to solve. There have been nights when that keeps me up.
And then I remember: my “biggest challenge” stems from having too many people who love and care for me. In the end, that’s the biggest blessing anyone can receive.
Concert with my dad in L.A.
Adoption is a gift
There’s a stigma around adoption. Some people believe it “messes up” a child. I don’t see that. To me, it is a gift. It allows for many to experience different, and typically, better realities.
I see the power of adoption — the way it creates expanded perspective, self-awareness, and outside-the-box thinking. Many influential figures in our world were adopted such as Steve Jobs, Bill Clinton and Nelson Mandela. Adoption doesn’t close doors. It opens them.
Like any sensitive subject, there are negative stories. But the only way to outweigh the bad is to spread the good and show how essential adoption is in our world and the role it can play for others.